How to Get Your Loved Ones to Support Your Wildest Dreams
Probably the Biggest Win of My Life So Far
If this is not your first time reading Existential Espresso, you know that every week starts with me sharing what I’ve been reading, listening to, and thinking about.
Well, this time it's not the start of the week, and I want to share what I’ve been living.
Although what I’m about to share is highly personal, as always, I am sharing it because I believe you can gain some value from it.
Two years after I left my home country of Montenegro under unusual circumstances, to say the least, and made an outrageously risky bet on myself, my mother came to visit me.
I’m not sure where to say she visited. She didn’t visit my new home because I still don’t have one. These two years have been a rollercoaster, and I have to be grateful and proud that I’m standing on my own two feet. Having a place where I can spend the rest of my life would be too much to ask at this point. So let’s say she came to visit the part of the world where I’m vagabonding in search of a new home.
I wish I could tell you that I flew my mother out and took her to 5-star hotels during our trip, but that’s not the case. I’m not ashamed to say that her visiting me on the other side of the world for two weeks had to be a joint financial effort. Hopefully, next time I can brag to you about being able to cover the whole trip. But also, I’m lucky to have a mother who prefers taking a walk through the local neighborhoods to chiling by the 5-star hotel pool.
The importance of this experience and its emotional intensity are such that I will need quite some time to process it. And when I do, I will keep most of it for myself.
But, as the title of this essay implies, there is at least one insight I have from this life victory, one of the biggest ones so far, that I want to share with you.
Ever since my father passed away when I was 13, my mother has been raising me and my brother on her own. She was, and still is, the embodiment of absolute selflessness that I believe only a mother can demonstrate. The person who denied herself some of the most basic life’s comforts in order to give her kids the best life possible. Pleasure was an unknown concept.
But like most other parents, and probably even more because of her life circumstances, she was an extremely risk-aware person when it came to her kids. As much as she was the ultimate supportive and caring mother, she was also the ultimate play-it-safe mother.
Imagine the tragicomedy of life when the utlimate play-it-safe mother who gave all of herself for her kids to have stable lives ends up with one son being an international fugitive that no one knows where he is, and she will probably never see him again, and another vagabonding around the world so that he is not killed out of retribution from his brother's enemies, trying to make a living by writing online. We have to learn to laugh at our fate. She still hasn't. But I have, and I am determined to help her learn one day.
Sorry for the sidenote.
When I made the decision to quit my job and leave Montenegro, my mother was not only terrified but also upset. She knew that I was leaving in order to save my life, but there were much different, "safer" ways to go about it than the one I chose.
Looking back, I must admit that my decision was highly irresponsible, maybe even immature, and simply insane by most people’s standards. I decided to bet on me being able to “figure this online writing thing out” before my savings ran out in a part of the world where I had zero connections and no ability to get "a real job" because of my weak passport.
And I can tell you, it was a buzzer-beater. They were not aware of it, but every single Existential Espresso paid supporter and Sisyphus Society member helped me not have to return to a country where my life would be in danger and, far worse, where my soul was suffocating. Please note that this doesn't take away any importance from those of you who read my writing for free. You giving me your time, attention, and support has kept me going in my toughest moments.
This wild ride, even though it's still going on, has reached one major milestone: My mother's attitude towards my wildly risky life choice has changed. She now believes in it and supports it. And that shift in her attitude, as indicated at the beginning of this essay, was clearly not motivated by me making a shitload of money and thus proving her wrong.
This brings me to the question I often receive from my readers, a question I had to ask myself, live it out, and finally got to talk to my mother about it:
What to do when your loved ones don't support a major life decision you make? When those whose support you need the most don't approve of the path you want to take.
The very first step is the realization that, almost always, their lack of support comes from a place of love and care. Fortunately, I was aware of this from the beginning of my journey. No matter how courageous they may be in the face of life's challenges, it's as if our loved ones lose all of their courage when it comes to us engaging in life. And can we really blame them? When you love someone more than yourself, one of the scariest things in the world is seeing them take a risk that could crush them, whether emotionally, mentally, or financially.
But there is good news. Here is what I have learned, both from personal experience and from examples around me:
When someone truly loves you, as long as you show determination and commitment to the choice you made, they will eventually come around and support you. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes it takes years. But it will happen.
They might never fully agree with your decision. But that’s not what you need, after all. What you need is for them to accept it and stand by you.
It is an uncomfortable truth that, for the person who never comes around, their idea of what life is supposed to look like is more important than their love for you.
All of this presupposes that you have demonstrated the determination and commitment that I have mentioned. You are the one who, over a period of time, however long, needs to show that you are sticking to your choice, that you are passionate about it, and that you are ready to give all of yourself for it.
My mother saw, even before I left Montenegro and while I had a secure and high-paying job, that I was spending almost all of my free time reading and writing. She knew that, no matter where I ended up in the world, no matter how difficult conditions I found myself in or how many temptations there were around me, I would show up every single day to work on what I’m passionate about. And I did.
Even with all of this, it still took some time for her to see that I was committed to the choice I made.
I’m not sure if she will ever be fully at peace with the fact that I don’t have a regular job that covers health insurance and has a retirement plan. Maybe, since I got my love for reading from her, me writing a bestseller would make her realize that she doesn't have to worry anymore? Either way, even if she never stops worrying, she supports my decision wholeheartedly because she sees that I stuck with it and backed it up with consistent action.
Therefore, as much as I understand how painful it can be when the ones closest to you don't support your journey and maybe even make discouraging comments, you are the one who needs to demonstrate how serious you are about your decision. A person who changes their life path every couple of months cannot and should not expect their loved ones to applaud every one of those choices.
Lastly, I would like to give another example, just so that my story is not the only one giving you insight and encouragement.
A little over 30 years ago, when an ethically-rooted civil war in Yugoslavia erupted and both Christians and Muslims were committing atrocities against each other, a young woman from a Christian family fell in love with a man with a Muslim last name. To her loved ones, it didn’t matter that the man came from a mixed family and had been brought up mostly by Christians. As it’s usual with the hypocrisy of conservative societies, appearance was more important than substance. The problem was not in the cultural difference because there wasn’t any. His last name was enough for them to set an ultimatum for their daughter. It was them or him. She chose love. For a couple of years, her family didn’t speak to her. She persisted. Determination and commitment to her love guided her forward. She believed that the ones who truly loved her would eventually understand and support her decision. And they did. It took more than expected, but it happened. Because of her, they were also able to see past the idiocy of judging people by their last name or religion. They accepted him as a part of their family and gave him nothing but love and respect until he passed away.
You probably guessed that the couple from the story is my mother and father.
Even though it took some time for my mother to support my unconventional life choice, it was her example of doing the same that encouraged me to persist and believe that my loved ones would eventually understand.
After all, if it wasn’t for her determination, I wouldn’t be here.
As much as I started writing this purely to encourage you, I must admit it also gave me an excuse to brag about having the most amazing person I’ve ever known as my mother.
Lastly, I want you to know she is brought to tears every time I tell her about the support I’m receiving from you. So, besides the encouragement to keep going because your loved ones will eventually recognize your commitment, you already have the full support of one amazing lady who knows a thing or two about persisting. She is rooting for you, just as much as I am.
Thank you for reading. Keep going.
Man, this was beautifully written and incredibly moving. Appreciate your vulnerability on this one. Sending blessings to you and your Mum 🙏🏾
Know that you have a homie cheering you on in Australia.
Beautiful!
Yes, this is massively encouraging to me, and thank you for that.
Yet I also must applaud your Balls of Gold, which spiritually materialize when we claim our deep self, our passion, and then push all of our chips into the middle of the table.