For years I’ve been using the same old, and fairly slow, laptop for all the work that I’m doing, both with my writing and as an online trainer.
And couple of months ago, it started showing its first signs of dying.
It would take quite a while for it to turn on.
Sometimes up to 6-7 minutes before it’s ready for work.
If I’m working in a coffee shop I would usually act like I’m setting up some other stuff, like my headphones, or adjusting the position of my table, and all other kinds of things, just so that I don’t stare at a black screen while waiting.
And yesterday, when I sat down with the intention of writing the Jordan Peterson post, it took even longer than 6-7 minutes.
I did all the fake setting up and adjustments that I could think off, and still nothing.
I drank my whole coffee, which I usually like to save for the start of my work. Still nothing.
Then, finally, the inner weakness kicked in.
I already had the daily instagram post prepared.
I also did my regular Existential Espresso newsletter the day before. This was supposed to be a bonus one.
This was not something I had to do. This was extra work.
“I hope it doesn’t turn on.”
I could quite literally feel and hear a part of me say that.
“If it doesn’t turn on, I could take the rest of the day off.”
“Please don’t turn on. I’ve been working nonstop for months, I could use some time off.”
And it didn’t turn on.
But I was able to observe all of these thoughts, and I knew that if I left this inner weakness unchecked, I would’ve betrayed myself.
I was able to notice myself hoping for my laptop to die.
The very tool I’m making a living with.
I was hoping for an extreme inconvenience and a financial expense that I really don’t need at the moment.
What for?
For avoiding that initial moment of discomfort you feel when starting an effort, whether it’s mental or physical.
Just like when you are happy that it’s raining, or you hope it’s going to rain, because that would mean you have an excuse not to do that one thing, whether it’s to go do a workout or run some errands.
The chances are, you don’t like the rain.
You like sunshine and clear sky.
But the weak part of you is prepared to give up the nice weather if that means avoiding at least one moment of discomfort.
I remember one time I was preparing to go to my friend’s basement gym to record workout videos for my instagram page.
As I was in a situation where I was advised not to leave the house unless when it’s absolutely necessary, I would go there once every month, or month and a half, and shoot as many workouts as possible.
If you’ve seen my workouts, and if I told you that one day of shooting would end up being around 4-5 hours of active work (which is then turned into around 15 videos of 30-40 seconds ), you could imagine that it’s not the easiest or most comfortable thing to do.
That day, as I was getting ready, it started raining. Not just raining, it looked like a storm was coming.
And I remember thinking:
“If, by the time I get ready, the storm begins, I don’t have to go shoot the videos today. Sure, I’d take a taxi but I would get soaking wet just getting out the building straight into the car.”
Thankfully, there is more than a weak side in me.
“How pathetic. You want to post videos of yourself working out and talk to people about discipline and inner strength, but you are looking for an excuse not to go and do what you are supposed to do today. You know very well it’s not the rain. It’s the physical effort of all the workouts you’ll have to do, and even more it’s the very process of shooting videos that you hate.”
That was the inner slap I needed.
I packed my stuff, went there and had one of the most productive shooting days up to that point.
Was it extremely physically demanding? Yes.
Did I enjoy the process of setting up the camera and finding the right angle? No. I hated it as much as I always have.
Was I completely drained by the end of the day. Yes.
But I was satisfied with myself.
I can even say that I was proud of myself and the work I put in.
I remembered all of these things as I was sitting in front of the black screen yesterday.
I have that inner weakness. I am human.
But I’ve also learned to notice my thoughts.
And I’ve learned to give myself that much needed inner slap.
“You got what you wished for, the laptop won’t turn on. We will think about the financial expense tomorrow. But now, you are going to take out your phone and do the work. You wanted to avoid discomfort, now do the work on your phone, which is what you hate the most. Enjoy.”
So I stayed there, with my black laptop screen and my coffee finished, and wrote the Jordan Peterson article on my phone.
And I am writing this on my phone right now.
(Apologies if these two, or any future posts until my laptop is repaired, are messy and don’t look the best, but when publishing an article via phone there is very little control over line spacing and anything else that’s needed in order to make an article pleasing to the reader’s eye.)
Do I consider what I’ve done as something special, or worthy of praise? Not really.
But once again, I’ve managed to notice my inner weakness.
I’ve managed to defeat it.
Once again, I am satisfied with myself.
And what would make me even more satisfied is this:
-If you, who are reading this, realized that there is no shame in acknowledging your inner weakness. It’s human. You should be happy about being able to notice it in the first place.
-If, the next time you notice it, you defeat it. If you decide not to succumb to that desire for avoiding a moment of discomfort, but instead you do the thing that you know you should do, the thing that will make you proud of yourself.
Give yourself that inner slap.
Sometimes you really deserve it, need it, and, who knows, you might even enjoy it.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. Just like I could keep writing and doing my work on the phone, but laptop would make me more efficient, I could also write without coffee, but my best writing is done with a cup of strong, black coffee.
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Marcus Aurelius has a passage within Meditations which I feel correlates well to your article and the comment above.
At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?”
Damn I'm reading this after waking up in the morning not able to get out of bed and just thinking "let me sleep a bit longer" and I ended doing it for to long and even came 3 hours later to work as usual.
I'm a fool for that, but from now on I will take this advice from you and slap my inner weakness as soon as it want's to be a part of this life (no no not with me! *slap*)