The discussion of mental health has come a long, long way in the last couple of decades.
The fact that going to therapy has been normalized is one of the hallmarks of progress in our modern society, a sign that we're finally treating mental health with the gravity it deserves.
But, and this is a big but, there's an unsettling pattern that I've noticed, especially among the young adults I interact with: a tendency to emerge from therapy with the unshakeable conviction that their parents are the super-villains in the story of their life.
Instead of empowering them, it’s as if therapy reinforces their victim identity. And their parents are the tyrants.
Now, don't get me wrong. I’m well aware that some people have endured real abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to protect them. That’s undeniable, and my heart goes out to them. But let’s be brutally honest here: that is not the majority. Most people, and most of you reading this, actually owe way more to your parents than you have to hold against them.
No parent is perfect. They mess up, they act out their unresolved issues, and they fumble through parenthood without an instruction manual. But most of them were doing the best they could with the tools and knowledge they had. Maybe it wasn't the kind of love and support you wanted, but it was love and support nonetheless. The only kind they knew how to give.
It seems to me that "modern" therapy became about finding everything your parents have done wrong to you. All the ways they screwed you up. Then you should express your anger and resentment toward them so that you can eventually let go of those negative emotions. And although I see the value in making peace with your past, I find it hypocritical that the end goal of this process is you forgiving your parents, looking on them from an almost saintly position. All the while, ignoring the fact that there are things to express gratitude for. Or maybe even seek forgiveness for our own wrongdoings?
To contrast this trend of self-pity and victim identity, I want to offer an alternative, coming to us from the Far East.
Before we continue:
The enrollment for the Sisyphus Society ends in 6 days. Inside the society, you will find:
-Finding Motivation exercise
-Effective Goal-Setting system
-Consistency Challenge
-Cognitive Reframing course
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Join before the society closes.
Originating from Japan, Naikan therapy is a method of self-reflection that shakes the foundation of how we view relationships in our lives by posing three simple, yet profound questions:
What have I received from __?
What have I given to __?
What troubles and difficulties have I caused to __?
Sit with these questions. If you're truly honest, you’ll start to see the monumental list of things you’ve received from those around you. Quite often, it’s a deeply emotional experience to realize how much you’ve taken without a second thought and how often you’ve been the cause of sleepless nights for others.
I am aware of how horrific family abuse is and how long-lasting and life-altering its effects can be. Fortunately, I haven't experienced it, but I have seen in multiple close examples what it can do to a person. So I want to stress once again that the point of this essay is not to disregard what some of you reading this or your loved ones have been through.
But the beauty of Naikan is that it’s universal. You can apply it to any relationship. It could be a friend, an ex, or a colleague. So, if you genuinely think you have nothing to thank your parents for, I challenge you to find another relationship in your life that could benefit from you asking yourself these 3 questions posed by Naikan. I know that you will be able to find at least one.
I’ve personally used Naikan to reflect on my relationships with my parents, my brother, and my exes. Even as someone who’s had an established habit of gratitude practice for years and doesn’t hold onto grudges, I was deeply moved by the insights I’ve gained through this self-reflection.
When life hits a rough patch and it seems like nothing is going your way, it becomes easy to play the blame game and point fingers at everyone from your past who 'messed you up.' In those moments, Naikan reflection can keep you in check. It strips away the self-victimization and builds a mindset of gratitude and responsibility.
At the end of the day, Naikan sends us a message that we are not helpless victims of life. We're active participants. As such, we have our flaws and are eternally indebted to many people around us. That’s the beauty of being human.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. If the type of though and real love that keeps you in check but helps you grow is what you want in your life, you can’t miss the chance to join the Sisyphus Society and get access to The Journey Beyond for free.
6 days left to go Beyond.
Beyond who you are right now.
Beyond what your life is “supposed to be.”
Beyond plenty of ideas and goals but zero action and progress.
I enjoyed this one a lot. There's something to be said about pointing the finger at your parents versus taking time to consider what they HAVE done for you. Naikan therapy seems to be an incredibly simple and effective method of reframing perspective on your situation. Thank you for sharing as always.