Last week, we celebrated the 1st birthday of Existential Espresso. The following are the answers to the most interesting questions I received for the 1st birthday Q&A.
Q: Do you still seek approval from your parents for doing things you want but your parents are against?
In short, no. But I think we can make this question interesting and valuable for others by reframing it. First, when we say "doing things," I will assume we are talking about making important life decisions and following through with them even if others don’t agree. Secondly, instead of just parents, let’s talk about loved ones since, depending on one’s family history and the life stage they’re in, they might not seek approval from their parents but from their partner or siblings.
This is something I think about quite often. Over the last couple of years, I had to make a couple of pretty big life decisions that some of my loved ones heavily disagreed with, including my mother, who is my only parent alive and the most important person in my life. From what I’ve experienced myself, as well as through observing similar experiences of others, I can tell you this much: When you make your own decision, stand by it firmly, and put in the effort to make it work, those who love you will eventually support you. It might take months or even years for them to understand it. And they might never agree with your decision. But if they see you sticking to it and taking it seriously, they will support you sooner or later. On the other hand, if you are a person who is constantly changing their mind and is not putting in the effort to make their decision work out for the best, you really can’t and shouldn’t expect support or approval.
Q: When does it stop being kindness and becomes naivety?
I would put it like this: kindness is about how you treat others; naivety is how you let others treat you.
There is nothing kind about letting someone walk over you or deceive you. There is also no amount of kindness that’s so great that it makes you naive.
Q: What advice do you have for those who often sabotage themselves?
This is one of many questions I received about self-sabotage. I think it’s too complex of a topic to be solved through a couple of sentences, but I do have some words of advice that I believe could help.
I think a lot of people today view mindset as something that isn’t concrete and doesn’t hold any weight in real life but is just a word used for motivation quotes and by scammy online gurus to sell you their latest course. If you are one of these people, I understand where you’re coming from. But I would challenge that and say that mindset is in fact one of the most concrete things in your life, and it can be seen in the example of self-sabotage.
There is one mindset shift that I want to propose when it comes to self-sabotage. Any sane person understands that positive change is, well, positive. But do you actually believe that you deserve to be better and do better in life? Do you truly believe that you are the type of person who is worthy of that positive change? Through observing people who engage in self-sabotage and having honest conversations with them, you will notice that quite a few of them don’t think they deserve to change for the better. But you know what’s one good thing about this belief? It’s a matter of choice. It’s not like believing that you will be able to run a marathon or pass an exam, where your belief needs to be backed up by the effort you've previously put in towards this achievement. Believing that you deserve to change for the better doesn’t need to be backed up by anything. You deserve to change for the better simply by being human. You don’t need to earn your right to believe this. You just need to remind yourself to do it.
I’m aware this is not the root of everyone’s self-sabotage. It’s a complex issue that needs to be approached from multiple directions, but I hope at least someone finds this helpful.
Q: How do I deal with feeling untalented and incompetent?
There is no person with zero talent. There are only people who haven’t tried enough things and/or haven’t stuck with anything for long enough.
Everyone is incompetent at most things in life. But some people choose to become competent at a couple of things through effort and consistency.
Q: How to remember our "why" at every moment of our journey? The fatigue often blurs it in our minds.
Great question. And I think most of the answer is already in the question itself. We all know the famous "He who has a why can bear almost any how." And it’s true; having a "why" is by far the greatest source of human strength and resilience. But a lot of people seem to think that your "why," your purpose, is always on your mind once you’ve found it. And that’s simply not the case.
How do you remember your "why"? The same way you remember anything: by reminding yourself of it. How you do it—whether by saying it out loud, writing it down, or contemplating it during your meditation—is up to you. But you can’t expect anyone else to remind you of your "why." More than anything, be grateful every single day that you have a "why." That should help with remembering it.
Q: How to end the grief of a broken heart?
I’m not sure you can end it; I think you must go through it. I also believe that, no matter how much it hurts, if you give it enough time and actually move on with your life, you get over it.
I know a person who dreamt of their ex every single night for over a year after their breakup. If you had asked me before, I would’ve said that’s a hopeless case. Fast forward to now; this person has truly moved on and is in a healthy and happy relationship. I believe this is not some wild exception but actually a more common case than you would expect.
There is also an essay I wrote on Nietzsche's Guide for Getting Over a Heartbreak that I think you would find interesting and valuable. (It’s a members-only article that I will unlock for everyone for the next 48 hours.)
Q: Doesn’t the betterment of oneself sometimes make our traumas even more harmful? I’ve been "deep" on psychology lately, and I feel we should understand the real reasons behind our behaviors instead of just working on overcoming habits like addictions. Taking that as an example, addictions often show up when we’re trying to suppress some unconscious thing. If we focus only on curing addictions, we often just replace them with other addictions. Identifying the source problem doesn’t seem to be much discussed. I guess it’s because it can put one’s identity in danger?
A couple of years ago, I would have agreed with you and wouldn’t have much to add. But my perspective has changed a bit recently.
You are absolutely right about the need to understand ourselves on a deeper level and look beyond just surface-level change. For some people, overcoming self-destructive behavior will solve absolutely nothing because they haven’t dealt with the underlying problem and will just find another way to manifest it and hurt themselves and those around them. However, I would challenge the statement that identifying the source problem doesn’t seem to be much discussed. It entirely depends on where you’re looking.
We are extremely fortunate with how much psychology has over the past decades acknowledged the importance of understanding how different events and experiences in our past have shaped us without us even realizing it. But, as with almost everything we humans do, we overcorrected. Much of psychology and psychotherapy today is focused solely on trying to understand the unconscious motivations for one’s behavior and then talking about them without actually doing anything to change the behavior itself. This approach fits perfectly with today’s ever-growing sense of entitlement amongst young people (mostly in the West), as you will hear countless examples of people going to therapy for years, and the only thing they do every session is discuss how their parents gave them trauma.
So, as much as I acknowledge the importance of trying to understand our unconscious motivations, I wouldn’t say that the field of psychology today isn’t putting enough emphasis on it.
Q: How do I get rid off/deal with this existential dread? I’m 23, and it’s ruining my life.
Zoom in. We often hear the advice that we should "zoom out." If you are stressed, zoom out and you’ll realize how small your life is in the grand scheme of things, and there is no point in stressing over almost anything. But we forget the equally important advice of zooming in. Zoom in as much as you need to feel centered and grounded in the reality of your life. What’s in front of you today? There are so many things in this life that you can do that have meaning, starting with fulfilling your responsibilities to yourself and your loved ones.
I do believe that existential dread is, to a certain extent, a sign of personality development and the expansion of one’s understanding of life and what it means to be human. Never experiencing existential dread is more worrying in this sense. But we shouldn’t glorify it. As much as experiencing it often shows a person’s depth, I would rather you respond to it by focusing on making your lunch today or helping your parents with some housework than by wallowing in thoughts about the meaninglessness of the universe.
Thank you for reading Existential Espresso. It wouldn’t exist without you.
Free Resources:
My free ebook: The Lost Art of Reading
Paid Resources:
The Art of Showing Up: A Clear and Practical Method for Mastering Consistency
The Gold Pill: Timeless Ideas for a Life Worth Living
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Friend...
🎉Congrats on the year of creating this amazing community. Thank you for sharing wisdom and aid to each and every single one of us.
This community is for many a pillar in their journey for growth and generous living out of life... really... the milestone is just beginning 🫡☝🏻
Let’s keep making better steps,
- Alex 🩵
Thank you so much for your writings, you are truly gifted with wisdom and eloquence! Congratulations for celebrating a year of heart work!
(p.s. the link that you shared, "Nietzsche's Guide for Getting Over a Heartbreak" has not been working as I've tried to access on several attempts)