If you haven’t already, read Part 1 of this guide where I talk about The Number One Factor in Building (or Destroying) Your Self-Confidence
This time I want to talk about one thing that most people overlook when it comes to self-confidence. And when it’s not overlooked, this thing is viewed solely as an obstacle to developing self-confidence, which is the wrong way to look at it.
I am talking about other people’s opinion about you.
Let me explain.
What I’m talking about is not any random opinion someone has about you. I am talking about people actually seeing what you are making of yourself.
You start developing self-confidence based on your relationship with yourself. You keep the promises you make to yourself. You give yourself reasons to be confident. You can see real-world evidence of the things that you did to deserve that self-confidence.
Then, if you keep this momentum going, you start developing self-confidence based on more than just your relationship with yourself. This new, "bonus" source of self-confidence is the acknowledgement you receive from the people around you.
I believe this source of self-confidence shouldn’t be your goal. I believe you shouldn’t pursue it intentionally. But I know it’s life-changing once you get to it.
Let me give you an example.
Let’s say you are not the most confident person. And even if you are keeping the promises you make to yourself, you are a person for whom that’s not a reason to be truly confident. For you, that’s just a reason not to have really low self-esteem.
But you keep living your life in this way, doing the things that you know you should do. When you have goals or aspects of life you want to improve, you keep the promises you make to yourself each day. You accumulate those daily wins. They are often small wins, but nevertheless wins. And then, somewhere along the way, a shift happens.
You are doing your own thing, and you are doing it for yourself. But people start noticing. They see you exhibiting qualities that they value. They start telling you "You are so disciplined, "You are so hard-working," "How did you get so good at this?"
You start hearing those things more and more often.
And then you think to yourself, "Wait, I am not just okay. There is obviously something about me that earns people’s respect. I have a genuine reason to be confident and feel good about myself."
This is exactly what happened to me.
I never really thought much about my discipline until my colleagues at my previous job started pointing out how I have "military discipline," as some of them would say. I was the only person who would bring his own meal(s) to work every single day to avoid junk food during lunch breaks, and I would use one of the breaks to do a quick workout whenever possible. And although I probably did gain some self-confidence from the long-term results of those two habits, I certainly didn’t gain any confidence from the very act of doing those things. I just didn’t think I was doing anything special. It was my colleagues’ acknowledgement of my small daily efforts that made me start feeling good about myself. This then made me confident in my ability to improve myself in other areas of my life, which I proceeded to do. And, as you could probably guess, eventually I also received acknowledgement for making progress in those other areas. So you could get an idea of the positive feedback loop this turns into.
On one hand, this might not be a good example of developing self-confidence. I shouldn’t have waited for other people’s acknowledgement to realize that I’m a disciplined person and start feeling good about myself.
On the other hand, this might be the best example to give. If you are like me, this is good news for you. If you keep doing your thing, you cannot escape gaining self-confidence, no matter how insecure you feel right now. If, however, you receive no acknowledgement or encouragement for trying to improve yourself, you should know that you are surrounded by the wrong people. And this might be the main point of this text. Being acknowledged for your effort and the qualities that you are developing could change your life. Surround yourself with people who will pay attention and give acknowledgement when deserved.
And if you are someone who has a more healthy relationship with yourself and starts developing self-confidence more easily, the news is equally as good. This external source of self-confidence will be just a bonus, as it should be.
I know that, even after all of this, people could still make the argument that you shouldn’t care about what others think about you, whether positive or negative. But let’s be real. We are all human. And it’s hard not to be affected by what people say about you, especially when you know it’s true. What I’m sharing with you is just a fact about building self-confidence.
There is one thing even more powerful than the story that you tell yourself about yourself: it’s when, in addition to it, the people around you are telling you that same story about yourself.
If you want that story to be positive and empowering, ask yourself this:
What am I doing to make this story real and not just a delusion?
Am I surrounded by people who care about me enough to notice the story I’m trying to create and then encourage it?
As I’ve already emphasized, you shouldn’t be focused solely on this external source of self-confidence. You should let it come as a natural byproduct of you doing the things that you need to do to improve yourself, for yourself.
But when you receive acknowledgement for the qualities that you developed through your own effort, you have every right to let that increase your self-confidence.
Thank you for reading.
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You articulated your self well. In a way that I found common ground with you. I totally get it. Confidence is in the process of abtaining a goal for oneself which gives yourself happiness too. I dig it thanks for sharing.
this was an eye opener for me. always struggled accepting compliments because I was scared that if I allow others to make me feel good about myself, I would also allow the opposite. but what you say makes sense, by accepting those words of acknowledgement I have confirmation that Im on the right path. thank you