The Art of Loving: Part 2

3 Main Requirements for the Successful Practice of Love

"Can anything be learned about the practice of an art, except by practicing it?"
- Erich Fromm (The Art of Loving)

As promised, in Part 2 of this essay series on The Art of Loving, we will be talking about the practice of this magnificent art.

However, I am faced with the same problem that Fromm faced when writing his book. Most people expect precise instructions or a step-by-step plan for any positive change they would like to make in their lives. And I would say this is even more true today than it was in Fromm’s time.

The problem is that, as much as it is a universal human experience, love is also one of the most, if not the most, personal experience.

That’s why, rather than laying out a 10-step plan that fits all but is truly useful to none, we will start by talking about three main requirements for practicing the art of loving successfully.

Discipline

Just like the practice of any art, the practice of love requires discipline.

"I shall never be good at anything if I do not do it in a disciplined way; anything I do only if ‘I am in the mood’ may be a nice or amusing hobby, but I shall never become a master in that art."

Since this time we are talking about the practice of love rather than theorizing about the role of discipline in life, I think it would be more appropriate to give an example of someone who has inspired me by showing discipline in their successful practice of the art of loving.

I know a man who, every day after work, stops by a bakery to buy his wife’s favorite cake. It might not seem like much, but he’s been doing it every single day for over 20 years of their marriage. No matter how tired or stressed out he is after work, no matter if they had a fight the day before or if he is "in the mood," he goes there to buy that one piece of her favorite cake for them to share after lunch. That requires discipline.

And for the health-conscious ones reading this, don’t worry. This same couple has a tradition of going for a walk together every night. But even if they didn’t, I’m pretty sure this tradition of sharing a piece of cake every day has done more for their health and well-being than any diet would.

However, the kind of discipline we are talking about doesn’t mean being disciplined for a couple of hours a day. It is not a matter of just buying that piece of cake or just writing a love note to your partner and thinking that your practice of love is finished for the day. It is a matter of discipline in one’s whole life, every moment of the day, since the art of loving is not a part-time occupation.

Concentration

In order to truly love someone, we must focus our attention and energy on that person. It is only by focusing on the person we love that we gain a deeper understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This, in turn, creates a deeper and more meaningful connection between us. However, this requires the ability to concentrate.

Developing a deeper bond and a higher level of understanding between us requires something that, as simple as it sounds, we prove to ourselves each day is far from simple and easy: the ability to listen to another person and concentrate on what they are saying rather than on what we would like to reply.

And this ability to concentrate leads us back to one of the foundational prerequisites for genuine love that we mentioned in Part 1: the ability to be alone.

"Indeed, to be able to concentrate means to be able to be alone with oneself—and this ability is precisely a condition for the ability to love. If I am attached to another person because I cannot stand on my own feet, he or she may be a lifesaver, but the relationship is not one of love. Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love."

Patience

Patience is one of the key components of love that is undoubtedly more difficult to practice today than it ever was. We live in an instant time. Whatever you want, whether it’s a product, entertainment, or chemical stimulation, it is all delivered to you almost, or quite literally, instantly.

However, there is nothing instant about love. As we mentioned in Part 1, Fromm argues that love is not something that just happens to us. It is a decision and a deliberate act.

Love is a lifelong commitment. It doesn’t guarantee success, but it asks you to stay disciplined and maintain your ability to concentrate on the person you love so that your bond might grow stronger and deeper. It asks for your patience.

"To have an idea of what patience is one need only watch a child learning to walk. It falls, falls again, and falls again, and yet it goes on trying, improving, until one day it walks without falling."

Now, it remains that we ask ourselves what could we as adults achieve in the art of love, how good could we get at it, if we only had the patience of a child?

Thank you for reading, I hope you found this one interesting.

Next week we continue our talk about the practice of everyone’s favorite art.

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