“I don’t have any role models.”
“I don’t have a mentor.”
“If only I had someone to guide me.”
“There is no positive influence around me.”
All of these are messages or comments that I previously received from my readers.
However, from observing the world around me and interacting with people, both in the physical and digital spheres, I would say that this issue is in no way exclusive to people who are following my work.
It has become a common and widely accepted statement that, in our age, young men are lost and without real positive role models. However, the vast majority of my writing is directed toward humans, not necessarily men or young people. It just so happens that I am a young man. Therefore, while discussing this topic, I won’t be able to avoid writing from the perspective of a young man, nor will I be able to compensate for my ignorance of what it feels like to be a woman or a person in the second half of their life. That’s why I would appreciate you engaging in a healthy discussion on this topic and viewing this essay as the start of a conversation.
In the absence of real-world role models and mentors, people find them online. On the one hand, I think that’s perfectly understandable. Having access to the information and advice given by extremely wise, educated, and successful individuals from all over the world is a blessing of the modern age that everyone should use. On the other hand, I would like to push back against the idea that you cannot find any role models and mentors in real life. However, let’s leave that as a separate topic for another essay (or video?). This time, I would like to focus on one specific framework that I believe you should use when looking for online role models or mentors. Or, we can view it from the perspective of the most common mistake people make in this pursuit.
Let me get straight to the point.
What are some things to be wary of in search of a role model or a mentor?
The first thing is when someone’s work is done with the intention of positioning themselves as a mentor or role model to the largest group of people possible.
More often than not, the person who seeks a position of power and influence is not deserving of it. On the other hand, the one who is deserving of it is given this position by the people and is often reluctant to accept it but realizes it’s their duty and responsibility.
The second thing is when a person not only seeks this position of power and influence, but they also pose as an all-in-one role model and a mentor. What I mean by this is that they claim to have answers for every question or problem in any area of your life. On the other hand, someone deserving of being a role model and a mentor usually stands out in one or at most a couple of areas of expertise. It is only as a result of your interest in them that you might find out their views on unrelated topics, not as a result of them insisting on being your all-knowing guide through life.
So let me give a concrete example.
Imagine a single person who gives straightforward advice in the following areas: business, relationships, mental health, training, nutrition, hormone optimization, men’s fashion, networking, public speaking, philosophy, religion, etc.
Further, let’s notice that most of the areas mentioned can and should be broken down into multiple different categories. If you are searching for real business experts, you will usually see that they focus on their own category: physical business, online business, B2B (business-to-business), B2C (business-to-consumer), small business, large business, and so on. Quite a lot of experts will be competent in multiple of these categories, but you will rarely find an expert that covers all of these areas. The same applies not to all but to a lot of the areas mentioned. But here we have an individual who is apparently an expert in all categories and sub-categories of all areas of one’s life.
This type of role model and mentor, whether as a result of their narcissistic delusion or out of selfish intent, discourages you from looking for answers elsewhere and expanding your knowledge. While a genuine mentor pushes you to eventually outgrow them, an all-knowing mentor arrests your development.
The mentor-student dynamic is about the student surpassing the mentor. The guru-follower dynamic is about the guru being worshipped.
At the beginning of this example, I told you to imagine this type of person. Well, you don’t have to.
There is actually someone who is posing as a one-stop solution for matters of business, relationships, mental health, training, nutrition, hormone optimization, men’s fashion, networking, public speaking, philosophy, religion, and many more.
I am talking about the role model of far too many men today. Sadly, not only young men, who could be excused for their youthful foolishness. Of course, it’s Andrew Tate. I am willing to engage in a more broad discussion about this character, but this time I don’t want to focus on my belief that he is speaking the truth about a few things while at the same time being a person with zero integrity and a genuine cancer to society. Okay, maybe his lack of integrity has something to do with the point I’m trying to make. But the purpose of this essay is not to give a hate rant against Andrew Tate. It’s to give a critique of the rapidly growing phenomenon of all-in-one gurus that Mr. Tate is the poster boy of, but also suggest an alternative approach to finding your role models and mentors.
Hopefully, we now have enough context to realize that, by choosing Mr. Tate or someone like him as your role model, you are basically deciding to believe that a single human has all the knowledge you need to live a good life.
(I am not aware if there is a female equivalent for Mr. Tate; that’s why I’m unable to share an example. If there is, I am curious to know.)
Even Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha left plenty of aspects of your life unanswered, which created both freedom and responsibility for you to seek out knowledge in different places. So it’s somehow strange to see one man hold more answers than those three together.
Now, as I said, I would like to offer an alternative.
What if, and I know this is a wild idea, one person cannot answer all of your questions? What if you had multiple role models and mentors for different aspects of your life?
I am in no way suggesting that I have “the best” role models and mentors and that you should accept them as yours, but for the sake of backing up my words, let me share a list of some of them:
Philosophy and Psychology: Johannes A. Niederhauser, Eric Dodson, James Hollis, and Gregory B. Sadler
Health and Performance: Andrew Huberman and Peter Attia
Physical Fitness: Mike Israetel and Layne Norton (for science-based and hypertrophy-focused training), Mark Bell and Nsima Inyang (for a more holistic and experimental approach to physical fitness).
Mental Toughness and Resilience: My mother
Consistency and Work Ethic: Chris Williamson
Productivity: Andrew Huberman, Ali Abdaal, and Dr. K from Healthy Gamer
Creativity: Hayao Miyazaki and Yuki Hayashi
Love and Relationships: My friend, brother, and a contributor for Existential Espresso, Nenad
These are just some of the aspects of my life where I have multiple role models and mentors. Also, bear in mind that this list consists only of living people who are still having an influence on my life with their new actions, creations, and direct pieces of advice. If I were to include all my non-living role models and mentors, even an incomplete version of the list would be ridiculously long.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, for every single person mentioned (and those not mentioned), there are multiple areas of my life where I wouldn’t take advice from them. With all due respect for them, I am not interested in hearing fitness advice from James Hollis or nutrition advice from Hayao Miyazaki, nor would I take my mother’s advice on online business.
And the best thing is that, out of all of these people, none of them seek to be mentors. They just share information and advice from their areas of expertise. The exception being the areas of mental toughness, creativity, and love, where I am not following precise advice but am rather inspired by those individuals and follow the example set by them. It is because of the value shared and the examples set by these individuals that I and (hopefully) many others take them as role models and mentors. Not because of the emotionally charged rhetoric designed to attract and indoctrinate individuals who feel lost.
Lastly, I would like to single out one individual from my list: Andrew Huberman.
Not because he is my favorite mentor, but because he provides a perfect example for my final point in this essay. And although unplanned, it seems appropriate to present a contrast between two Andrews that you can choose as your role models and mentors.
How did Andrew Huberman become popular? By sharing his passion for science. His areas of expertise are neuroscience and ophthalmology, and it is in these areas that he felt comfortable sharing information and advice. However, out of his passion for science as a whole, he started using his platform to give a spotlight to his fellow scientists from other fields in order to provide potentially life-changing information to people all over the world at zero cost.
Now, you could view Andrew Huberman as a mentor in the areas of health and performance, just like I did. And you wouldn’t be wrong. After all, those are the areas where he shares his advice. However, I intentionally left him out of other areas where I consider him to be a role model in order not to spoil this final point.
You could also view Andrew Huberman as a role model and a mentor in matters of humility, open-mindedness, critical thinking, communication skills, how he deals with disagreements and criticism, taking responsibility for one’s life, and more. Lastly, you can view him as a role model and a mentor regardless of your gender and age.
But this kind of role model requires you to pay attention and put some effort into observing the qualities of the person whose content you are consuming. Once again, a role model and a mentor don’t need to, and in fact shouldn’t, proclaim, “Hey, look up to me!” You have to notice who is worth looking up to and in what regard. With this in mind, I think it becomes clear why more people opt for the all-in-one gurus rather than the alternative I am proposing. Because it’s easier.
One approach to finding your role models and mentors is the equivalent of a fast food drive-through, where, with the least amount of effort and maximum convenience, you get to trick your stomach and brain into believing they’ve been nourished. The other approach is like going to a fresh produce market and carefully selecting the highest-quality ingredients from different stalls so that you may nurture your body with all the macronutrients and micronutrients needed.
It’s obvious what is easier. But it is equally clear what each option does to your quality of life.
Thank you for reading.
Free Resources:
My free ebook: The Lost Art of Reading
Paid Resources:
The Art of Showing Up: A Clear and Practical Method for Mastering Consistency
The Gold Pill: Timeless Ideas for a Life Worth Living
If you like my Existential Espresso writing, there is zero-cost support in the form of subscribing, liking this post, commenting if you have any thoughts on it, and of course sharing this with anyone who would find it interesting.
Or you can consider becoming a paid supporter of Existential Espresso for 5$ per month. By doing this you would be helping me to keep investing time into researching and writing all the content on the daily basis.
What you get by becoming a paid supporter is access to the members-only essays (such as “Why Having a Price on My Head Didn’t Upset Me”or “Why Living With a Bulletproof Vest is The Best Thing to Ever Happen to Me”), as well as an opportunity to recommend topics for future essays.
However, even taking the time out of your day to read what I have to share with you means more to me than you can imagine. Thank you.
I do really agree with you about the various mentors, as you will see in my reply. After all, you won't go to the dentist to get your car fixed.
Lets look at different areas. I, for example, never struggled to find people I admired for their humility and kindness (Lindsey Stirling being way up there!), nor did I ever lack teaches who kindled my passion for learning (actually teachers of mine, recently my thesis advisor). In other fields though I do struggle. Let's say creative writing. There is online classes, but they are not really that great. From Authors I love there is only few articles to read about their approach. And so on and so forth.
Thank you for that food for thought and have a good day!
One of the best reads of the week for me. Thanks for writing it friend!