Why You Should Be More Narcissistic

Yes, I want to convince you to become a bit more narcissistic.

This probably seems like a big switch-up.

Recovering Overthinker, the one who talked so much about being outward-focused, is now propagating narcissism.

What in the “regular guy with an online following becoming an egotistical guru” is this?!

But don’t worry. One of my favorite verses is still by Cise Starr in “Soul of Freedom,”

Ask yourself a question quickly: Why the hell do I exist?
Is it for a handbag, or two hundred dollar kicks?
Or helping your fellow man that is down and now sick?
This is it. The question that defines the essence:
Material gains, or an inner soul blessing?

My mission didn’t change overnight. I still want you to love life and give people around you a reason to love it as well.

However, constantly failing to reach your goals isn’t exactly going to be helpful on this mission.

So here is what I want to talk to you about more precisely:

1. How I learned to look at narcissism in a different, useful way from a recent video made by Dr. K from the Healthy Gamer YouTube channel.
2. How, the same week I watched that video, I was able to confirm this lesson by observing my new workout friends.

Let’s get into it.

For those who don’t know, Dr. K, real name Alok Kanojia, is a psychiatrist and co-founder of the YouTube channel Healthy Gamer. In a recent video, he talked about some things that separate an average person from a high performer. What he shares is based on his observations from working with both those who fall into the top 1% as well as people who are stuck in life and have been unable to achieve any tangible success.

The three main traits that he talks about are narcissism, sociopathy, and neuroticism. You are probably, just like me, used to seeing these traits discussed in an exclusively negative light. But Dr. K reminds us right away that they are features of the human race and that we all possess them to some extent. It’s not binary, where you either possess them or not; it’s a spectrum.

As I said, this time we are discussing just narcissism. Since I know many humble and kind individuals are reading this, I want to tell you right away not to worry. It’s not that, in order to be successful, you need to think you are the best, the biggest, or the greatest. You don’t need to have a “me, me, me” attitude.

There is one specific feature of narcissism that’s necessary for accomplishing ambitious goals: being skilled at saying no. And Dr. K makes sure to emphasize that it’s not just about saying “no” more often, but being proficient with the concept of saying no. In short, being able to set firm boundaries instead of being available to everyone and for everything while still knowing to say yes, especially to new people and new opportunities.

And let me now share how I was recently given real-world proof of this.

Over the last couple of weeks, a workout community has spontaneously emerged at a training park I come to every day. On any given day, there are a minimum of five, but usually closer to eight young men training together. Besides the fact that we all enjoy outdoor training, another thing we share in common is that none of us have a regular job but are making (or trying to make) a living online. I am one of the four “founding” members of this community.

The other founding members include two guys at the beginning of their online business journey. Let’s call them Tony and Emanuel. And last, but definitely not least, we have someone who we will call Jack. He has a well-established online business and is miles ahead of me (and light years ahead of Tony and Emanuel). I’m not sure if it’s relevant, but the biggest age difference amongst the four of us is between me and Jack, 29 and 34.

Over the last 10 days, I had to miss most of our group workouts because I was working overtime on the enrollment of new members in the Sisyphus Society. When I was ready to rejoin them, I noticed they changed their usual workout time from 9 a.m. to 7 a.m. When I asked why, Tony explained to me that “7 a.m. fits better with Jack’s schedule.” Then I did something that maybe wasn’t right, but it was definitely useful.

I tried renegotiating to move our workout time at least an hour later. But not because I really needed it. To be honest, when I am busier than usual and some group plans don’t fit my schedule, I just tend to take myself out of those plans and focus on my tasks. Maybe not the healthiest approach, but that’s a story for another time. Now, I just wanted to see how different people would react to the idea of changing our workout schedule.

To no surprise, Jack was the only one adamant that he could not change his schedule. He is free to hang out outside of his working hours and is always up for a day trip on his day off, but there is no chance for him to change his workout time because it will interfere with his working schedule. Bear in mind that Jack has four employees and has more freedom than the rest of us combined. Objectively, he can change his working schedule to pretty much any time of the day. But he knows what the hours of the day are when he performs at his best. And a group workout with his new friends, no matter how fun, cannot take priority over that.

Tony, Emanuel, and even the “non-founding members” had no issues with changing the workout time. But it’s not only that they were flexible. What I noticed is that most of them had no concept of a non-negotiable part of the day where no one could disrupt them. They are up for anything, anytime, anywhere, and then the pursuit of their goals can be adjusted to fit into that chaos.

This reminded me of my school days. There was always at least one kid in our friend group who would say he or she was available to play only once they were done studying. The rest of us, on the other hand, would close our books and run outside as soon as anyone would call to ask if we were free to come out and play.

Is Jack a self-centered egomaniac? Was my elementary school friend, Jovan, a stiff nerd? Or are they people we should try to be more like?

Experiencing firsthand how much strategic and planned selfishness is needed to achieve any objectively difficult goal, I have learned to respect those people. Perhaps more importantly, I use them as reminders that I should also respect myself, my time, and my energy.

But there was some context missing from my story.

When I told you Jack is by far the most successful amongst us, and he is also the best at saying no to changing his schedule, a lot of you imagined a self-centered douchebag. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Jack is a charismatic, high-energy guy who is always willing to give genuine words of encouragement to anyone he talks to. I’m pretty sure he is the one who initially broke the ice and got us to do our first workout together. In his spare time, he saved Tony and Emanuel years of guesswork and mistakes by helping them out with their business. I cannot overstate the positive influence he’s had on the rest of us. Jack is a great friend who is just skilled at saying no for the purpose of progressing towards his goals. He is living proof that Dr. K was right about the value of this specific feature of narcissism.

Jovan, on the other hand, really was a stiff nerd.

Thank you for reading.

Free Resources:

My Book Recommendation List

My free ebook: The Lost Art of Reading

My free training programs

Paid Resources:

The Art of Showing Up: A Clear and Practical Method for Mastering Consistency

The Gold Pill: Timeless Ideas for a Life Worth Living

If you like my Existential Espresso writing, there is zero-cost support in the form of subscribing, liking this post, commenting if you have any thoughts on it, and of course sharing this with anyone who would find it interesting.

Or you can consider becoming a paid supporter of Existential Espresso for 5$ per month. By doing this you would be helping me to keep investing time into researching and writing all the content on the daily basis.

What you get by becoming a paid supporter is access to the members-only essays (such as “Why Having a Price on My Head Didn’t Upset Me”or “Why Living With a Bulletproof Vest is The Best Thing to Ever Happen to Me”), as well as an opportunity to recommend topics for future essays.

However, even taking the time out of your day to read what I have to share with you means more to me than you can imagine. Thank you.