This is Part 3 of the essay series on Erich Fromm’s book, “The Art of Loving.”
If you haven’t already, you can read Part 1 and Part 2 by clicking on them.
We continue our discussion on the practice of the art of loving. Last time, we talked about the three main requirements for practicing this art. However, even though we talked about them in the context of the art of loving, those same requirements apply to any art.
This time, we talk about something that is specific to the art of loving. We talk about a step we need to take in our personal development in order to practice this art successfully.
"The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one's narcissism."
Fromm explains narcissism as an orientation in which "one experiences as real only that which exists within oneself, while the phenomena in the outside world have no reality in themselves." From a narcissistic point of view, all outside phenomena are experienced only from the viewpoint of whether they are dangerous or beneficial to one.
This is why, to be able to make a genuine connection with another human, we must make a conscious effort to free ourselves from the narcissistic orientation. And it is up to us to recognize our narcissism and overcome it. Because it is a fact, Fromm argues, that every single one of us has a dose of narcissism in us. We are all, at least to some extent, prone to looking at things solely from the perspective of what they mean for us. And if we leave this narcissism unchecked, Fromm warns us, we will never be able to practice love successfully.
Put into practice, this means:
"I must strive for objectivity in every situation and become sensitive to the situations where I am not objective. I must try to see the difference between my picture of a person and his behavior, as it is narcissistically distorted, and the person's reality as it exists regardless of my interests, needs and fears."
Now it hopefully makes sense why last time we had to talk about such unromantic qualities as discipline, concentration, and patience. Because if we are to practice objectivity in every situation, we will need all three of those.
Beside those three qualities, to be able to be objective, we also need to adopt a certain emotional attitude: humility. To be able to be objective, one has to emerge "from the dreams of omniscience and omnipotence which one has as a child."
According to Fromm, humility helps us connect with others on a deeper level and develops our sense of empathy and compassion. To accomplish this, we must acknowledge and accept our imperfections and limitations.
However, we must be careful not to confuse humility with self-deprecation and self-denigration.
True humility is not about putting yourself down or denying your strengths and qualities. It is about an honest assessment of imperfections and limitations without either underestimating or exaggerating them.
According to Fromm, self-deprecation and self-denigration are actually forms of pride, as they are usually motivated by a desire for attention or recognition. He suggests that some people may engage in these behaviors in order to seek affirmation from others. In contrast, genuine humility comes from a sense of inner security and self-acceptance, which allows us to be honest about our weaknesses and imperfections without feeling threatened or defensive.
This distinction between humility and self-deprecation is important because it impacts our ability to form healthy relationships. If we engage in self-deprecation, we may struggle to communicate our needs effectively, which can lead to resentment and ultimately an unhealthy relationship. On the other hand, if we cultivate genuine humility, we are able to connect with others more deeply, as we don’t feel threatened by their strengths.
However, none of this is complete without something that Fromm keeps emphasizing throughout the book. Love is indivisible, and so are objectivity and humility.
Even though acquiring the capacity for objectivity is, as Fromm says, "half the road to achieving the art of loving," it must be acquired "with regard to everybody with whom one comes in contact." Meaning, we cannot be humble and loving with our closest ones if we cannot be humble and loving with everyone we interact with. If you ask me, this might be the most demanding idea in the book that already asks a lot from us. But maybe it’s precisely because of how demanding it is that it deserves to be considered.
One thing is for sure: actually putting the art of loving into practice is not an easy task.
That’s why, next time, I would like to finish this essay series by talking about two things needed when facing such a great task: faith and courage.
I hope you enjoyed this one. Thank you for reading.
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