This is Part 4 of the essay series on Erich Fromm’s book “The Art of Loving.”
If you haven’t already, you can read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 by clicking on them.
"Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
So far, we’ve talked about requirements for successfully practicing the art of loving. We’ve talked about discipline, concentration, and patience, which are needed in love as much as in any other art. And we’ve talked about a quality that is specific to the art of loving: humility. Now, as promised, we talk about two things without which none of the qualities discussed before are worth anything, at least not in the art of loving: faith and courage.
First, what does faith mean in the context of love and our relation to another human?
"Having faith in another person means to be certain of the reliability and unchangeability of their fundamental attitudes, of the core of their personality, of their love."
And, for a healthy and loving relationship with another person, we need to have faith in ourselves the same way we have faith in them.
However, Fromm emphasizes, and I’m sure most of us know from personal experience, this doesn’t mean that people don’t change, that their opinions and feelings don’t change. It means that we have absolute faith in ourselves and our loved ones not changing our core values and basic human qualities such as respect and dignity.
When it comes to having faith in another person, Fromm recognizes another meaning of faith.
This other meaning of having faith in a person refers to, as he says, "the faith we have in the potentialities of others."
If we have faith in the potentialities of another person, and further, if we have faith in them actualizing their potentialities, we will support them and do what we can to encourage their growth and development. Because to do anything else would mean that we are not making an effort in the art of loving.
But there is another aspect of this kind of faith that I found particularly important. According to Fromm, we can only have faith in other people's potentialities and their ability to actualize them if we have experienced growth in ourselves. A person who is not actively engaged in their own growth cannot have faith in another person’s growth. Once again, faith, like all other aspects of love, is not passive but involves activity on our part.
If faith is the foundation of all the qualities needed for the art of loving that we've discussed so far, there is still one thing that comes before faith. There is one thing that is needed in order to make that leap. Courage.
"To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner."
If you were certain, there would be no faith needed and no courage.
Allow me to turn away for a moment from this book and try to bring this concept closer to you by sharing a story. I was explained the concept of true faith and courage once by one of the wisest men I know. Certainly the most courageous. He explained it to me better than any book could, with all due respect to the great thinkers who’ve written on this topic. He explained it better because he didn’t write or talk about it for the sake of sounding smart or interesting. He lived it.
When he was at the beginning of the relationship with his girlfriend at the time, now fiancée, I asked him how serious it was and what his plans were.
He told me that he couldn’t possibly be certain if what they had was going to work out. But, he said, he had made a decision to believe that what they have will last forever, and to behave accordingly. And he told me he was aware that this is a decision that has to be made anew every single day. That’s courage, if you ask me.
Can faith be practiced? According to Fromm, it can be practiced every day.
"The practice of faith and courage begins with the small details of daily life."
One of the most important ways to practice faith and courage, Fromm says, is to notice when and where one loses faith and then look at the rationalizations and excuses one makes to explain their loss of faith. To recognize when one acts in a cowardly way and, once again, to look honestly at all the things one does to cover up one’s cowardice. I believe this was also expressed in the story I just told you. Faith and courage are not decisions you make once and for all. They have to be renewed each day, and often multiple times a day. This only confirms the necessity of the three main requirements we talked about in Part 2: discipline, concentration, and patience. Love, with all of its components, is not something that just happens. It is an active effort.
To end this essay series on the most beautiful art there is, I would like to leave you with two things. I would like you to know that you are not alone in being afraid of love. There is a lot to be afraid of, and even terrified. Another thing I want you to know is that the fact that love is scary is not an excuse for you to be a coward. I hope this gives you the encouragement you need to give the art of loving a chance.
"While one is consciously afraid of not being loved, the real, though usually unconscious fear is that of loving. To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."
Thank your for reading.
If you are interested in my book recommendations list, you can download it here for free.
I also wrote a free ebook for you, “The Lost Art of Reading.” You can download it here.
If you like my work and get some value from it, there is zero-cost support in the form of subscribing, liking this post, commenting if you have any thoughts on it, and of course sharing this with anyone who would find it interesting.
Or you can consider becoming a paid supporter of Existential Espresso for 5$ per month. By doing this you would be helping me to keep investing time into researching and writing all the content on the daily basis.
What you get by becoming a paid supporter is access to the locked essays (such as “Why Having a Price on My Head Didn’t Upset Me”or “Why Living With a Bulletproof Vest is The Best Thing to Ever Happen to Me”), as well as an opportunity to recommend topics for future essays.
However, even taking the time out of your day to read what I have to share with you means more to me than you can imagine. Thank you.